…if you were, you might have overheard this conversation. Maybe…
From the promotional film for Champloo’s second season:
Setting: Our three are sitting in a pink Cadillac at a drive in, watching scenes from the first episodes on the big screen. Jin in the driver’s seat, Fuu in the middle, and Mugen in the passenger seat.
F: And now, the second season of the Original Samurai Champloo is about to begin. Yay!
J&M: (lamely) Yay!
F: Hey, what’s with that lukewarm reaction? Put a little more spirit into it!
M: Forget that. What’s up with that title?
F: Basically, it means it’s a continuation.
J: What do they mean by “The Original”?
M: Must be because of all those samurai watchamacallit imitators that have been popping up lately, right?
F: At any rate, for the people who haven’t seen anything up to this point, Jin will give us a summary of the plot so far.
J: (sweating) What? Me?
F&M: (M clapping) Yay!
J: Ehh…various inauspicious circumstances brought the three of us together…
M: What the hell does inauspicious mean? Explain it with words that everybody can understand.
J: (sinking lower in seat) …to find the samurai who smells like sunflowers…
M: He’s ignoring me… What’s he saying?
F: Beats me.
J: (sinking even lower) …the three of us set out on a journey.
M: Did that make any sense to you?
F: Not one bit.
J: Et cetera, et cetera.
M: (angrily) Hey!
M: Oh, fuckit. We’re looking pretty good up there, huh?
J: Most of the time. In some episodes we look really strange. There I was in episode 21, my shining moment with my hair down and no glasses, and I look like a zombie. Then later they made me shaped like a bowling pin. I was very disappointed.
M: I looked bad in that one too, and what’s a bowling pin anyway?
F: Well, at least they don’t turn either of you into a blimp like they do to me. They do that to me a bunch of times. How embarrassing! I don’t eat that much, do I Jin?
J: (clears throat) Well…
M: They made all of us do stupidass things.
J: They made me jump around like a spastic dolphin in Bogus Booty. That was out of character, in my opinion.
M: What’s a dolphin?
F: I liked that episode the best. We got to see your butt in that one, Mugen. Yummy! And I really liked seeing Yatsuha kick you around. She was great!
M: I don’t know, man. Why did they make me fall for that stupidass line of hers so many times? I’m smarter than that, ain’t I?
F: Not when the brain in your little head is in control, which is all the time.
M: Hey, it’s not so little.
F: So you say. I bet it’s teeny. Guys who bluster around like you always have teeny ones. Is it teeny, Jin?
J: (sweating) Why are you asking me? I think we should change the subject.
F: Well, I want to know. I mean, you guys don’t have nipples, so maybe there’s other bits you’re missing as well, like G.I. Joe.
J&M: Aieeee! (both grab their crotches)
M: Hey, I’ve got something.
J: Whew. Me too.
M: Mine’s bigger than yours.
J: I highly doubt that.
F: Cut it out, for god’s sake! You two are disgusting.
M: G.I. Joe? Hey, how come we don’t get to turn into giant robots? I want a kickass magic sword like Tetsusaiga. That would be cool!
J: Trying to compensate for something, Mugen? I knew it!
M: Oh, fuck off. So what’s up with them making the sidekick taller than the hero guy? They’re not supposed to do that.
J: Who says I’m the sidekick?
M: Well you are, you know. My stuff comes up on the opening song first.
J: I distinctly remember reading that the creators thought the show would be dull and one-sided with only you around. They made me taller and better looking. Besides, I’m the only one who actually gets laid. Methinks you’re the sidekick, little man.
M: No fucking way!
J: I am a totally original character. Everyone knows you’re just a re-warmed, leftover Spike.
M: (deflating) Hey, is that really true?
J: Ah well, that was mean. If you’re a version of Spike, you’re a better one.
F: Yeah, I never liked him anyway. He’s a much bigger jerk than you.
M: (perking up) OK. Cool.
F: Anyway, I’m the hero! This show is about me and you guys are just along for the ride. There are a lot of episodes about me.
M: Yeah, but they’re the boring ones.
F: You jerk! That’s not true, is it Jin?
J: (clears throat) Well…
M: I still think it sucks the big one they made you taller than me. Ishida Uryuu is smaller than Ichigo. It’s only right.
J: Ishida is a twit. He sews. There is no comparison.
M: Well you’re a twit too. All you four-eyed guys are twits. That’s why they put glasses on you, to show everyone you’re a twit. And why couldn’t they give Fuu tits like Orihime? Man, she’s hot!
F: If they gave me tits like her you’d do nothing but drool through the entire show. That would be really interesting, I’m sure.
J: Take back the twit comment, or else…
M: Oh I’m so scared. What’cha gonna do…TWIT?
J: This! (dumps popcorn over Mugen’s head)
F: Hey! That was my popcorn, you jerk!
J: Sorry. Here, have my Good & Plenty. (sings)
Once upon a time
there was an engineer
Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear.
He had an engine and he sure had fun
He used Good & Plenty candy to make his train run.
F&M: (holds hands over ears) Blech! Stop! Ears will disintegrate!
F: Besides, that jingle is so old, you’re dating the author. She won’t like that. Better watch it or she’ll get pissed and make you do something weird in her stories.
J: She’s already making me do weird things in her stories.
M: Yeah, so what’s up with our fan base anyway? Why are they always drawing you in women’s clothes?
J: Porcelain complexion and a body built for the catwalk, baby. (singing) I’m too sexy for…
M: (draws sword) You sing that song and I’ll slit your throat!
F: Hey, where did that come from?
J: Is that a real katana or a Sears katana? Besides, there’s some pictures on the net of you in a schoolgirl’s uniform.
M: No fucking way! Where?
J: I’ll show you later.
F: Hey, does this show have a happy ending?
J: We’re not supposed to tell.
M: I think they should have us all get it on. That would be hot!
F: Well they didn’t do that. If they had, I think I would have remembered it.
M: (leers) Yeah, you would’ve remembered it baby…heh, heh. But what’s up with that anyway? How come I didn’t get laid and Jin did? That’s not right! The hero guy always gets laid!
J: We’ve already had this conversation. Say goodnight Mugen.
M: Goodnight Mugen.
F: Keep watching folks! We love you!