Mugen and Fuu in Never Never Land
by Laura Bryannan

All children, except one, grow up. Now if you're thinking the kid in question is Peter you'd be wrong. It's Mugen, okay? Deal with it. And, as we all know, Mugen lived in Never Never Land (not to be confused with Neverland Ranch) but he was sad and lonely because there was no one to tell him stories or mend his pockets. Plus, he was godawful horny since he had only the Lost Boys to play with and he'd been bored with them for ages.

So one fine evening he left Never Never Land and flew to old Edo. Hey, don't give me grief about him flying. You saw the ganja episode, right? Right. As I was saying, Mugen flew to old Edo one night to go fox hunting (if you know what I mean) and found himself doing his usual Peeping Tom thing at a familiar window. That Darling girl was great for spring cleaning and for helping other springable things happily spring.

Now, Mrs. Darling had told her daughter all sorts of stories about Mugen, and since we're talking about Mugen here, you can just imagine the kinds of tales she had to tell, heh, heh. But I'm sure she shared only the innocent ones with her beloved daughter, and so little Fuu had come to have all sorts of rainbow-colored fantasies about our hero and his adventures, considering herself the resident expert on all things Mugen.

Thus our story begins in the nursery of 14 Whateveritwas Street, with dear Fuu daydreaming in her nightgown and her brothers, Jin and Yuki, leaping about on the beds brandishing wooden swords. They were always playing with their swords in bed together, it seemed. Fuu couldn't understand what the fascination was, but they were ever at it, day and night and night and day.

“We're swarthy buccaneers,” Jin would insist, battling Yuki into the closet. Much arrrghing and ooohing and aaahing could be heard at such times and Fuu could only shake her head. Who cared about pirates when there was Mugen to think about?

She fell to sleep that night and dreamed heavenly dreams, but was soon awakened by a streak of devilish cursing. “Goddammit, Momo!” came a furious whisper. “Where the fuck is it?”

Fuu sat up and rubbed her eyes to discover a spiky-haired youth prowling around the nursery. “Boy,” she called. “Why are you swearing?”

He rounded on her. “I never swear!" he stated firmly, hands on hips.

“But you did,” she insisted. “I heard you.”

“No I didn't.”

“Yes you did, I'm sure of it.”

“I didn't!”

“Did!”

“Didn't! Now shut the fuck up! I'm busy here.”

“See! You swore just then!”

“Didn't!”

“Did, did, did and did!”

“Damn, girls talk too much!” he declared. “Are you gonna help me find my stash or not?”

“Your stash?” she asked, wide-eyed.

“Yeah, some fucking dog scared the shit outta me at the window last night and I dropped it somewhere. You better not've pinched it, girly.”

Suddenly, a flying squirrel thing soared across the room and grabbed a baggie on the floor, dive bombing poor Fuu in the process. It landed on Mugen's shoulder and dropped its prize into his hands as he crowed. Okay sure, Momo was supposed to belong to Fuu, but everyone knows she had the hots for Mugen all along, right? Besides, Momo was only in the show for the deus ex machina factor anyway, so work with me here.

“Oh!” cried Fuu in delight. “A flying squirrel thing. How cute! May I hold it?” She reached for the tiny creature but it hissed at her and ran inside Mugen's shirt.

“She's quite a common girl, you know,” Mugen explained, dancing around like a spastic hip-hopper, trying to keep the naughty thing out of his pants. “For god's sake, Momo,” he hissed, guarding his loins. “Later, bitch!” He finally throttled the squirming creature way too close to the family jewels and stuffed it into a drawer.

Eying Fuu up and down with a leer, he asked, “What's your name, peachface?”

“I'm Fuu Moira Angela Seizou Darling,” she replied. “Are you really Mugen?”

“Well yeah, don't you remember?” He peered closely at her. “Huh, I guess you're not Wendy after all. Who cares? You'll do. Wanna come party with me?”

“In Never Never Land?” she asked, breathlessly.

“Sure,” he affirmed, leaping to the windowsill. “Where else would we go? Come on!”

“Oh, I'm so happy, I'm going to give you a kiss!” Fuu cried, advancing on him with pursed lips.

Mugen looked around frantically, ready to take off. “Why'd you wanna do that?”

“My goodness, what a silly question,” Fuu murmured, seductively. “When a girl and a boy are all by themselves, there aren't that many things they can do, are there?”

“Damn girl, you move quick.”

“I'm not interested in playing coy maiden, even though I am one,” Fuu explained. "Let's enjoy ourselves tonight.”

Mugen remained unconvinced. “You're not gonna pass me any All Night Mushrooms, are you?” he asked, warily.

Fuu frowned. “You must have me confused with someone else. Kiss me, you fool!”

“Uhhh, we better wait till we get to my place,” he decided, eying the dresser drawer with trepidation. The hissing coming from inside sounded ominous enough to shrivel his equipment.

“You're really going to take me to Never Never Land?” she asked, excitedly.

“I said so, didn't I?” Mugen replied. “Come on. We better hit the road.”

“How will we get there?”

“We'll fly, of course.”

“But I can't fly!” she protested.

“No shit,” Mugen agreed. “Guess I'll hafta teach you.”

“Really? OMG!” she squealed. “But wait. Teach my brothers too.”

Mugen noticed the two lumps under the bedcovers for the first time. “Brothers, huh? Well, OK, but make it quick.”

“Jin! Yuki!” Fuu called, poking them. “Wake up. There's a boy here who will teach us to fly!”

“Fly?!? I'll come at once!” said Jin, donning his tophat and slippers.

“Me too!” yelled Yuki, jumping out of bed in footie jammies with a drop seat in the back, and we all know how useful those can be, don't we?

“We're going to Never Never Land,” Fuu happily announced.

“Who the fuck said we?” Mugen argued.

“But I couldn't go without Jin and Yuki,” she told him, pouting.

“I'd love to battle real pirates,” enthused Jin, leaping about the beds again, brandishing his sword in typical fashion. Mugen thought for a moment, then decided a guy in a tophat, nightshirt and nothing else might be good for some amusement. Besides, the younger one with the buttflap wasn't too bad either.

“Well, alright,” he agreed, “but only if you follow orders. I'm the captain.”

“Yes sir!” the boys cried, saluting.

And so they thought lovely thoughts and jumped up and down to no avail, when Mugen finally remembered. “I gotta sprinkle these sunflower seeds on you first.” He reached in his pocket and pelted them while the dresser drawer rattled loudly and frantic squealing could be heard from inside. “Ain't too keen on sharing, are ya, Momo?” he snickered as he finally opened the drawer.

“It's a sugar glider,” observed Jin in wonder as Momo scampered around scarfing all the dropped seed. “My word!”

“It's a fairy!” Yuki argued, proving he needed glasses more than Jin.

“No, it's a rabidly jealous flying rat,” Mugen stated, definitively. “We better split before she finishes eating.”

So they were able to make their getaway, zooming through the window with much excitement. “We're flying!” they cried, happily.

“Yeah, these seeds give a decent buzz,” Mugen agreed, “but we'll have to wait till Never Never Land for the good stuff.”

“Never Never Land,” Fuu sighed in bliss, holding hands with Mugen as they soared along. “I've dreamed about it all my life. How do we get there?”

“Second star to the right and straight on till morning,” he replied, tossing Jin a small contraption. “But if you get lost, use the GPS.”

------------------

Mugen and the Darling children flew and flew (and boy, were their arms tired) until suddenly, in a flash of the morning star, they burst into the wondrous new world. Now we all know that Never Never Land was situated on a small island, with not much room between one adventure and another, and they peered at it from a cloud with great excitement.

“I see the pirate ship!” Yuki exclaimed, pointing.

“And the mermaid's lagoon,” Fuu added. “I do so want to meet a real mermaid.”

“There's the Indian encampment," noted Jin. "When shall we fight, captain?”

Mugen opened his mouth to reply but a volley of cannonballs interrupted, causing them all to scramble. “Hey Momo,” he yelled. “Show these noobs the way to our place while I draw Hook's fire.”

The crafty animal took off, leaving the children far behind, and whispered a tale of great naughtiness to the Lost Boys waiting not-so-patiently for Mugen to return. So when Fuu, Jin and Yuki finally arrived, instead of a warm welcome they were set upon roughly and stuck up on crosses.

“We caught the Fuu Bird,” cried Tootles, proudly. “Won't Mugen be happy?”

“And this Jin Bird too,” noted Twins. “But why didn't you mount him?” they asked, pointing to Yuki.

“Well, we're keeping this one,” Nibs said, “an' mounting him different.”

“Anyone with a buttflap is a friend of ours!” added Slightly Soiled, dragging Yuki off through a door in a local tree trunk.

“Wait!” cried Yuki.

“I'm a bear,” Nibs told him. “He's a skunk.”

“HELP!” Yuki hollered.

“You can be the pussy,” was heard as the door slammed shut.

When Mugen arrived, he stood drooling at the two exotic creatures up on their poles for a full minute before Fuu's shriek startled him back to reality. “Mugen! Get us down from here this instant!”

“Uh, right. What the fuck's going on here?” he asked his men.

Tootles and Twins saluted, grinning. “Momo told us you wanted to stick 'em, so we did, Mugen.”

“MOMO!” he yelled.

The creature flew to his shoulder looking quite innocent.

“That's not the kind of sticking I meant, an' you know it,” he scolded, frowning.

Momo preened herself and deigned to respond.

“Bitch, that's treason!” he told her. “You're banished. Get the hell outta here!”

Momo looked as hurt and insulted as a flying squirrel thing could look and flew off in a huff.

“Oh no, Mugen,” Fuu cried, as the boys lowered her to the ground. “Not banishment.”

“What do you care?” Mugen replied, grumpily. “Better for you she's not around, so nobody's dropping bird poop in your hair or shoving newts up your nightgown.”

“Ewwww!” Fuu squirmed at such gruesome thoughts.

“So what are we gonna do, fellas?” Mugen asked, brandishing his sword.

“Let's raid the pirate ship!” yelled Tootles.

“I want to scout for Indians,” announced Jin.

“Oh no, not that,” Fuu pouted. “I want to visit the mermaid lagoon.”

“Mermaids!” The boys all made gaggy faces. “Not them!”

“I'll take her,” Mugen decided. “You guys go capture some Indians and we'll meet up later.”

“Right,” cried Jin. “Follow me, boys!”

“Who died and made you boss?” argued Twins.

“Shut up,” whispered Tootles. “He's got nothing on under that nightshirt.”

“Really?!?” enthused Twins. “Well, alright! Let's go!”

And so they marched off, following their leader, while Mugen carried Fuu over the sparkling sea to the quiet of the mermaid's lagoon, setting her gently upon a large rock.

“Oh, it's Mugen!” the mermaids shouted, happily. “Hello, Mugen! Hello!”

“'Sup, gals?” he replied with a swagger.

“What have you and the Lost Boys been up to lately?” asked the brunette one.

“You've been gone so long,” pouted another. “Tell us about your adventures. Something exciting!”

“You wanna hear about how I cut off Hook's hand and threw it to the crocodile?” he asked.

“Ummm...well.” They eyed each other doubtfully. “We'd rather hear the story about Nib's nib.”

“That's a good one!” agreed the sultry redhead. “Or maybe about how you helped Tootles play with his marbles.”

“Yes!” the other mermaids shouted happily. “Please, Mugen, tell us that one!”

Mugen felt confused, as he always did when he talked to the mermaids. “Uhhh, maybe later.”

“Oh, Mugen!” Fuu called, waving.

“Who's she?” came several indignant voices.

“Her?” asked Mugen. “That's Fuu.”

“A girl!” cried Redhead. “Don't tell me you're with her!”

“What would the Lost Boys think?” asked another.

“Well, I figured they'd like her too,” Mugen stated, defensively.

“Boys and girls...together? How disgusting! EWWWWWWWW!” they squealed.

“Huh?” stammered Mugen, scratching his head.

A few swam over to Fuu's rock. “What was your name again, dearie?” the blond one purred. “Fuu? I think it's Sue!” She sent a splash of water into Fuu's face.

Fuu sputtered, indignant. “It's not Sue, it's Fuu.”

The smoky brunette joined in on the fun. “Mary Sue Fuu. That's you.” More splashing drenched Fuu's nightgown. Quite fetchingly, Mugen decided.

“That's right,” added Redhead, trying to pull her off the rock. “Scores of pathetic fanfic writers Sued you to death. Don't deny it!”

“They did not!” Fuu argued. “I really am that perfect. So there!”

“Well, if you ask me, it's gross!” decided Brunette. “Those guys belonged together, not with you stinking up the place.”

“P.U. Get out of here, Sue!” sniffed another.

“It's Fuu!”

“Die, ebil female!” they cried, setting upon her, even with their new manicures.

“Mugen! Help!”

The scream forced Mugen to tear his eyes away from Fuu's nightgown being torn to shreds, and he scooped the poor girl up while she still had a few scraps of modesty left. “Let's get the hell outta here,” he whispered. “Those bitches are always weird like that. I can never figure 'em out.”

So enraptured was Fuu to be in Mugen's arms, she didn't notice him heading toward the swash of color on a rock in the middle of the water. “Holy shit! It's Kohza Lilly,” Mugen announced. “Hey girl, what the hell are you doing?”

“Hook tied me up here and the tide is coming in,” she told him. “Please help!”

Mugen eyed the situation critically. “Well, I dunno. I kinda got my arms full of Fuu already.”

“Fuu is lucky,” Kohza Lilly cried. “She gets to be with you. I want to be with you too, Mugen. I want to leave this place.”

“Sorry.” Mugen backed away. “I ain't the right guy for that job.”

“But Mugen,” Fuu admonished. “You've got to help her. She'll drown!”

“You want me to take on the both of you?” Mugen asked, incredulous but already salivating.

“Of course!” Fuu told him. “We can't just leave her here.”

“Hot damn!” He scooped Kohza Lilly up in his other arm and zoomed off to the Indian encampment ready for some action. However, upon alighting near the communal fire he was surprised to discover the Lost Boys who, due to Jin's master samurai prowess, had been captured earlier.

Mugen went hunting for the guy in charge. “Hey man,” he said in greeting.

“Oi!” growled the chief.

“Oi?” puzzled Mugen. “I thought you guys were supposed to say 'How'?”

“Uh, right,” came the hurried response. “Ugga fucking wigwam. How's that?”

“Cool, man,” Mugen said. “Everything's cool.”

“Me Chief Mukuro,” the big man announced. “You Mugen, right?”

“Yeah, that's me. Mugen, captain of the Lost Boys and slayer of pirates.”

“Yeah, I heard about them pirates and I gotta foolproof plan to steal their gold,” Mukuro stated. “You wanna join up with me? Let's smoke-um peace pipe. I got some great shit here.”

“Fire it up!” Mugen enthused.

And so they filled the bowl and everyone had a hit or two except Fuu, who was fuming because Kohza Lilly was cozying up to Mugen in insufferable ways. It would have done her good to chill out, but oh well.

Meanwhile, Chief Mukuro was still plotting. “So Mugen, how about it? Join up with me.”

“Nah,” Mugen decided. “Who cares about gold? I just wanna be a little boy and have fun.”

“Don't tell me you've forgotten about it,” Mukuro insisted. “The darkness you've got in that soul of yours. In the end, my friend, you and me are just a couple of cursed men. There will never be a place for us to run to.”

Mugen stood up looking dubious. “Man, you're weird when you're stoned. I gotta go.”

“What?” cried Mukuro. “My purple prose not good enough for you?”

“Uhhh, it's great,” Mugen assured him. “I just don't work for nobody. Come on, fellas, we're outta here!”

And so Our Heroes set off on their next adventure, which involved none other than their greatest foes, the pirates! And these, of course, were the notorious Hook Brothers, Kariya and Mariya (isn't it just the handiest thing that their names rhyme?) and their dastardly henchmen Patch, Pumpkinhead and Skippy—whom they wheeled about in a wooden chair, which made him a lousy pirate but a great stepstool and clothesrack.

Hook's pirates were the evilest of the evil. They were so evil, none of them were even the least bit cute like Captain Jack or Will, so you know they were really, reeeeealy bad. They prowled around Neverland singing and dancing, living purely for their art:

We're bloody buccaneers!
And each a murderous crook.
We massacre Indians, kill little boys,
And give it to Captain Hook.
Yo ho! Yo ho!
And give it to Captain Hook.

Yes, they were like that, which explains why they were always chasing after the Lost Boys. Captain Hook and his brother were the most feared denizens of Neverland, as their fiendish plots had almost murdered Mugen many hundreds of times. That fateful day they were in foul spirits, for their latest plan had gone awry and they did not yet know what boon would arrive with the wind.

“Smee!” Kariya called.

“That is not my name,” came the huffy reply. “I refuse to respond to you.”

“It's a perfectly good name,” Kariya taunted. “Smee. Smee. Smee.”

“My name is Mariya, thank you very much.”

“Mother should never have named you that,” Kariya ranted for the thousandth time.

“Well, Mother always liked you best,” Maria replied, “so you've got nothing to complain about.”

“She liked me best for good reason, which is why you are what I say you are. Now, Smee....”

“I'm not listening.” Mariya put his hands over his ears. “La, la, la, la, la, la.”

Suddenly a ball of fur and fury burst into the room, hisspitting an angry tale.

“Why Miss Momo,” Kariya purred. “You've been banished?!? How awful! There's a girl, you say?” He eyed his brother meaningfully.

Mariya pulled some seeds out of his pocket and offered them to the creature, who gobbled them greedily. “From my own garden,” he told her. “We can take care of this problem for you, Miss Momo, can't we brother?”

“Of course, my dear!” cried Kariya. “If you'd just tell us where to find her.”

Oh, best beloved, you know what happens, don't you? Mugen sent everyone ahead of him to hold a brief conference...ahem...with Kohza Lilly, and when he returned to their secret underground home he found no one and nothing but his glass of medicine.

Mugen reached for it, saying, "Fuu says I gotta drink my medicine, so I suppose I should." He raised it to his lips while everyone reading hoped Momo would show up and drink it for him. Would anyone clap for Momo? Heh, don't hold your breath.

But, fear not! Our Mugen dashed the glass against the wall, shattering it to pieces. “Medicine?” he scoffed. “Fuck that! It's booze or nothing. I'm off to rescue Fuu!” And he flew with great speed to his fateful showdown with Captain Hook.

Poor Fuu was bravely stepping off the plank when he arrived and caught her just in time, crowing in jubilation!

“Who's that doodle doo?” cried Kariya.

“Who else could it be!” replied Mugen, landing on the deck with a swagger. “The rooster's my fucking symbol, asshole.” And he crowed again to emphasize the fact. “Come on, men. Let's rumble!”

Jin lept forward, confident. “Mugen, take care of Fuu,” he declared, and then went on to kick Patch and Pumpkinhead's ass, finally settling the age-old debate about whether he could have beaten them. Of course he could have, you fools. He's Jin!

Mugen grinned and set off to battle Hook, who was a lethal swordsman, but we all know Mugen was holding back in the anime and could have easily nailed Kariya if he wanted to, so was there any contest between them? Hell, no!

Meanwhile, our friend Yuki was carried off blushing and squirming to a dark corner of the hold for a pirate adventure of his own. Hey, I was good to him in BaU and he's just too much fun to abuse, so shut up!

The pirates were finally routed when our favorite deus ex machinas, Momo and The Crocodile, arrived to chase them all into the sunset. The Lost Boys found Yuki, dazed but smiling, and all celebrated with great celebration on the deck of their new ship, the Jolly Roger.

But then, sadly, it was time for all good children to be safe in their beds. Mugen dropped the Lost Boys off at their tree trunk and turned to face the Darlings. “So where now?” he asked. “I suppose you guys wanna go home to Edo.”

“No,” said Jin. “Let's not go to Edo. 'Tis a silly place.”

“I know,” Fuu exclaimed. “We'll go searching for the sunflower samurai.”

Mugen looked hopeful. “Sunflower samurai? Is that anything like Maui Wowie or Panama Red?”

“Oh, yeah,” Yuki assured him. “I heard it was even better.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” he cried happily. “Let's go!”

And so the four friends sailed off on their journey through the Purple Haze and had many fine adventures whilst searching for the elusive sunflower samurai. But that, best beloved, is a story for grown-ups.

end